Oct 29 2012

Ball Point pen

Listening to: Henry Rollins – Provoked

Today in 1945 the 1st ball point pen goes on sale, 57 years after it was patented.  To celebrate, I’d like to hear:

I Love you Period – Dan Baird

Paperback Writer – The Beatles

Everyday I Write the Book – Elvis Costello

The Gypsy – The Inkspots

My question is why did it take so long between when it was patented to when it was made available for sale?  Upon further research (quick search on Wikipedia), I found my answer.  I won’t go into verbose detail here, but what it stems from is the contraction of siphalis by key patent holders thus causing the ball point pen to become a magic wand used for castrating sheep.  I could be wrongly interpreting this since I kinda skimmed the article and I have a penchance to make stuff up.


Jul 16 2012

My Perfect Lunch – The Recipe

Two Slices of the whitest, fluffiest bread you can find.  No “Whole Wheat”. 

Half a stick of real butter WITH SALT.  Melt the butter in the microwave for about 30 seconds. 

Spoon the liquidy butter onto the sponge-like bread evenly until most of the half-stick of butter is saturating the bread.  Bring a skillet up to about 300 degrees.

Place one slice of bnuttery bread into the skillet, place a slice of Velvetta onto the bread, followed by a slice of heavily processes “Swiss” cheese followed by another slice of Velvetta.  Top it off with another slice of butter-soaked bread.  Cover the skillet and brown the bread, flip and brown the other side.  Serve on a styrofoam plate with Cheesy Pringles or Nacho Cheese Doritos.  Wash it all down with a Mexican Coca Cola made with real sugar in a glass bottle. 

Enjoy. 

You are welcome!


Jul 13 2012

The Menards Time Vortex

I love Menards.  I love to buy home improvement items and then go home and improvement my home.  Unfortunately, anytime there is a special order involved, I fall into a black hole of time that in inexplicable by modern science.  Akin to the search for the Higgs boson, I search for a way to pick up a special order in less than 2 hours.  It seems to elude me.  Here’s the events from last night. 

Mark (our hairy and devilishly handsome son) comes with me to pick up 2 special order doors.  We had received an e-mail alert a few days before that they were ready to pick up, so foolishly, I assumed they were actually ready to pick up. 

We drive into the abyss of time (a.k.a. the lumber yard) at Menards and find a nice gentleman.  I hand him my crisp sheet of my soul only to have it returned crumpled, slightly soiled and dampened with the comment,”Sorry, I can’t find it.  You are going to have to go inside and talk to the Millwork Desk. 

I shutter momentarily as a cold chill runs up my spine.  This is all too familiar.  The Chinking incident of 2011, the countertop fiasco of 2010 and 1999.  The vanity disaster of 2000.  They all rush to mind and I recall losing half days to the vortex of the Menards Lumber yard. 

Unfortunately, I did exactly as he said and went and talked to someone at the Millwork desk.  Again—nice genteman—I handed my now handled soul stapled to a receipt to him and he disappears for what could be called an “Era”.  As I recall from 7th grade science, an Era is a significant time period. 

So in the time, I will now refer to as the “Millwork era” of my life, Mark and I stood and consumed oxygen and listened to the hum of the high preassure sodium vapor lights over our heads.  I could be mistaken, but I’m fairly certain I may have worn a groove in the industrial linoleum where I paced. 

The nice gentleman returned with my receipt and the words, “I can’t find them”.  So, I would like to take this opportunity for scientists all over the world to come witness the true magic that is “Menard’s Vortex of Time and Space Lumber Yard”.  Not only did I lose 3 hours of my life, but they also lost the doors I was there to pick up.  I am in awe of the growing power of this trancient being.  I imagine this must be what the ancient Egyptians felt like upon the completion of the Great Pyramid.


Jul 12 2012

What do you want to be when you grow up?

What do you want to be when you grow up?  I asked one of my daughters this and she almost immediately responded “Account representative for a mid-sized industrial supplier, as long as they have a decent 401K plan”.  I think I need to take her outside more.


Jul 10 2009

Happy Birthday Bill Cosby – Age 72 on Sunday

It was a hot summer afternoon as I sat on the floor watching “Bill Cosby – Himself” special on HBO. I laughed and laughed and laughed. I didn’t understand all of what he was saying since I was in 3rd grade. I watched that special a few dozen times until HBO finally got sick of me watching it. Three kids and 25 years later I listen to the audio from the show and enjoyed a whole new level that my 3rd-grade existence did not know even existed. If you are in 3rd grade or have three children, I highly recommend you check out this classic show!

Dr. Cosby is 72 this Sunday. In his honor, a burning of ugly sweaters will be organized.

Brian “Chocolate Cake” Matthews