Jul 16 2017

*COUGH*

I have been coughing since May of this year. The cough as morphed, ebbed and flowed. Unfortunately it is now very much flowing. I have decided to make the best of a bad situation. I have book marked the WebMD page for Tuberculosis and have it on my screen when someone sits too close to me. And then let the coughing fits happen. So far it’s worked most of the time. The one person that it didn’t work on, I’m pretty sure had some sort of flesh-eating chronic respiratory illness. If I caught something from him, I’m hopeful that they will name the new disease after me. “Matthew’s Consumption” or “Chronic Brianitis”


Jul 14 2017

Love and Affection

Sitting at an airport, you get to see all kinds of people. During my recent trip to New York, I was sitting at the gate in Minneapolis pondering who there was going to New York to visit and who was going home to New York. It was then I saw Matthew Nelson from the 80’s hair band “Nelson”. Matthew and his twin brother, Gunnar had long blonde flowing hair that Barbie dolls were jealous of back in 1980-something. I am fairly sure it was Matthew, because I sneezed and said “GUNNAR” really loudly and he didn’t even flinch. It’s not a DNA match, but good enough for me. The other thing that made me pretty sure it was him was the moment that we locked eyes. It was if I was saying,”Hey, I know who you are, and I’ve owned your cassette tape!” Then his gaze back seemed like he was saying,”Thanks, dude. We should get together and share pictures of when we had long hair some time.” “Yes. We should do that. Do you know Axl Rose?” “Get lost, loser”.


Jul 14 2017

Bismarck vs. NYC

In walking around the streets of New York City, there’s a few difference I’ve noticed when I compare it to walking around the streets of Bismarck.
1. More hotdog stands in NYC. I asked for Cloverdale red and the nice gentleman told me to go away.
2. In Bismarck, summer has the smell of fresh asphalt of road work. In NYC, there’s an asphalty-smell, but there’s also a combination of hot old metal, 20,000 armpits that have never seen deodorant, and a touch of exhaust from the taxi that nearly hit you.
3. Bismarck has the alley of art where local artists have put their touch on the downtown buildings. New York has something similar, but near as I can tell it’s a little less colorful and says things like “SMIRNT 4 LIF” and “DJ APHID”. I don’t know what either of those mean, but I’m guessing they are historical figures.
4. The number of people walking around yelling about unhappy they are about “the clouds listening to their dreams” is larger in New York. It could be due to the cleaner air in North Dakota.

All in all, it feels like home…after the apocalypse.


Jul 13 2017

Bluetooth for everyone!

Everything is better with Bluetooth. Headphones, televisions, refrigerators, Toyota Carollas, plant watering devices. Yes, this is not a joke. Your plant can send you a note when it’s in need of water. Cute. I wake up in the morning to check the news, see what the weather will be like, and be greeted by my krokus. Why not?
I already talk to my phone and to the little device in my living room to automatically purchase laundry detergent pods at low low prices with free two-day shipping. Why not my ficus?
I would like to add one item to that little device–sound. I think it would be awesome if the device could produce a sound depending upon it’s needs. If it’s got enough water, it whistles a happy tune—maybe the Andy Griffith Theme song. If it’s dry, it begs for water. If it’s really dry, it screams in it’s death throws and pleads with a dry raspy voice. If you over water it, the soundtrack from “The Titanic” pan flute music plays with subtle gurgling. I would buy that. In fact, if they had add on packs where you could get different personalities for different plants, I would buy those too. Maybe a soft-spoken spiritual-sounding voice for my aloe vera, and a loud┬áraucous personality for my cactus. Just thinking out loud here.


Jul 13 2017

TSA All the Way!

Bismarck airport is the best way to start a trip. No lines to check my bag and no lines for the TSA. I literally stood at the conveyor belt after the screening to put all my stuff away because there was no wait or line of people.
This is totally opposite of what I will experience in the next several days. There will be nothing but humanity all around me all the time no matter where I go. Armpits and plumber’s smiles as far as the eye can see.
I’ve been on enough of these trips now to home my packing skills. Currently I have a pocket full of q-tips and quarters. That’s really all I need. I’m a simple man with simple cotton swab needs.
The TSA uses these full-body scanning machines. You step into the cylinder, raise your hands, I assume they pass just enough radiation through you to shrink that nasty mole on your back. But what happens after that? I imagine a TSA person sitting in a dimly-lit broom closet looking at screen after screen of person with hands above your head looking at our underwear. I saw an article for a product that was undergarments with messages for that poor TSA person. Some sort of metal-infused ink that would show up over the apparition of the wearer. I should have purchased a t-shirt to wear under my clothes that reads,”If you can read this, you are a TSA Agent”.