The Menards Time Vortex

I love Menards.  I love to buy home improvement items and then go home and improvement my home.  Unfortunately, anytime there is a special order involved, I fall into a black hole of time that in inexplicable by modern science.  Akin to the search for the Higgs boson, I search for a way to pick up a special order in less than 2 hours.  It seems to elude me.  Here’s the events from last night. 

Mark (our hairy and devilishly handsome son) comes with me to pick up 2 special order doors.  We had received an e-mail alert a few days before that they were ready to pick up, so foolishly, I assumed they were actually ready to pick up. 

We drive into the abyss of time (a.k.a. the lumber yard) at Menards and find a nice gentleman.  I hand him my crisp sheet of my soul only to have it returned crumpled, slightly soiled and dampened with the comment,”Sorry, I can’t find it.  You are going to have to go inside and talk to the Millwork Desk. 

I shutter momentarily as a cold chill runs up my spine.  This is all too familiar.  The Chinking incident of 2011, the countertop fiasco of 2010 and 1999.  The vanity disaster of 2000.  They all rush to mind and I recall losing half days to the vortex of the Menards Lumber yard. 

Unfortunately, I did exactly as he said and went and talked to someone at the Millwork desk.  Again—nice genteman—I handed my now handled soul stapled to a receipt to him and he disappears for what could be called an “Era”.  As I recall from 7th grade science, an Era is a significant time period. 

So in the time, I will now refer to as the “Millwork era” of my life, Mark and I stood and consumed oxygen and listened to the hum of the high preassure sodium vapor lights over our heads.  I could be mistaken, but I’m fairly certain I may have worn a groove in the industrial linoleum where I paced. 

The nice gentleman returned with my receipt and the words, “I can’t find them”.  So, I would like to take this opportunity for scientists all over the world to come witness the true magic that is “Menard’s Vortex of Time and Space Lumber Yard”.  Not only did I lose 3 hours of my life, but they also lost the doors I was there to pick up.  I am in awe of the growing power of this trancient being.  I imagine this must be what the ancient Egyptians felt like upon the completion of the Great Pyramid.


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