Jul 20 2012

Rollin’ with no homies

My wife and I are driving on the Bismarck Expressway the other evening.  Our windows are rolled down to let in some air, and we pull up to a late 1980’s psuedo station wagon with it’s windows rolled down and a teenager at the wheel.  Through his open windows blares “You sexy Thing” by the 1970s Brit pop band Hot Chocolate. 

At first I thought my ear had finally given up on a lifetime of loud music and decided to trick me into thinking this lad was listening to a hit from 1975.  I expected some mind-numbing, bass-thumping generic hip hop beat or perhaps a subtle melodic tune by a group with a name like “Mortuary” or “Rigor Mortis”.  Nope.  It was, in fact, “You Sexy thing”.  The kiddo was not making any effort to make it seem ironic or goofy.  He honestly thought he was the coolest guy in the left turn lane listening to the only cassette tape he found in the car after he purchased it from PCP burnout for $120 and a can of Dr. Pepper. 

Dear misguided youth, I employ you to not continue on that mix tape crackling through the tattered Realistic speakers, because it is NOT cool.  You are NOT appearing like the Super bad Godfather of soul that you envision in your Xbox-rittled noggin.  Trust me.  Turn it down, or better, turn it off.  There is still time, because once that cassette tape rolls to “Play the Funky Music White Boy” by Wild Cherry, the damage will be done and no one wants that. 

Save yourself.

Jul 16 2012

My Perfect Lunch – The Recipe

Two Slices of the whitest, fluffiest bread you can find.  No “Whole Wheat”. 

Half a stick of real butter WITH SALT.  Melt the butter in the microwave for about 30 seconds. 

Spoon the liquidy butter onto the sponge-like bread evenly until most of the half-stick of butter is saturating the bread.  Bring a skillet up to about 300 degrees.

Place one slice of bnuttery bread into the skillet, place a slice of Velvetta onto the bread, followed by a slice of heavily processes “Swiss” cheese followed by another slice of Velvetta.  Top it off with another slice of butter-soaked bread.  Cover the skillet and brown the bread, flip and brown the other side.  Serve on a styrofoam plate with Cheesy Pringles or Nacho Cheese Doritos.  Wash it all down with a Mexican Coca Cola made with real sugar in a glass bottle. 


You are welcome!

Jul 14 2012


Fingers and toes are more important than elbows and knees.

Jul 13 2012

The Menards Time Vortex

I love Menards.  I love to buy home improvement items and then go home and improvement my home.  Unfortunately, anytime there is a special order involved, I fall into a black hole of time that in inexplicable by modern science.  Akin to the search for the Higgs boson, I search for a way to pick up a special order in less than 2 hours.  It seems to elude me.  Here’s the events from last night. 

Mark (our hairy and devilishly handsome son) comes with me to pick up 2 special order doors.  We had received an e-mail alert a few days before that they were ready to pick up, so foolishly, I assumed they were actually ready to pick up. 

We drive into the abyss of time (a.k.a. the lumber yard) at Menards and find a nice gentleman.  I hand him my crisp sheet of my soul only to have it returned crumpled, slightly soiled and dampened with the comment,”Sorry, I can’t find it.  You are going to have to go inside and talk to the Millwork Desk. 

I shutter momentarily as a cold chill runs up my spine.  This is all too familiar.  The Chinking incident of 2011, the countertop fiasco of 2010 and 1999.  The vanity disaster of 2000.  They all rush to mind and I recall losing half days to the vortex of the Menards Lumber yard. 

Unfortunately, I did exactly as he said and went and talked to someone at the Millwork desk.  Again—nice genteman—I handed my now handled soul stapled to a receipt to him and he disappears for what could be called an “Era”.  As I recall from 7th grade science, an Era is a significant time period. 

So in the time, I will now refer to as the “Millwork era” of my life, Mark and I stood and consumed oxygen and listened to the hum of the high preassure sodium vapor lights over our heads.  I could be mistaken, but I’m fairly certain I may have worn a groove in the industrial linoleum where I paced. 

The nice gentleman returned with my receipt and the words, “I can’t find them”.  So, I would like to take this opportunity for scientists all over the world to come witness the true magic that is “Menard’s Vortex of Time and Space Lumber Yard”.  Not only did I lose 3 hours of my life, but they also lost the doors I was there to pick up.  I am in awe of the growing power of this trancient being.  I imagine this must be what the ancient Egyptians felt like upon the completion of the Great Pyramid.

Jul 13 2012

A list of people I could do without.

•A waiter with his fly open, serving you fries and gravy…..and you haven’t ordered yet
•Tattoo artists with a nasty twitch
•Nurses with a grudge against bed-ridden people
•Dentists into leather
•80-year old nude polka dancers
•Grocery check-out clerks who smell of B.O. and disappointment
•Pudding-makers with eczema
•Funeral Directors with Narcolepsy
•Singers who sound like the advanced stages of emphysema
•People who love porcelain dolls and show off their collections of hundreds of them.
•People with silent letters in their name who get annoyed when you pronounce all the letters. You know who you are, Thom!
•Hat salespeople reading directions on lice shampoo
•Ice Cream scoopers reading directions on lice shampoo
•Assassins with lazy eyes

Jul 12 2012

What do you want to be when you grow up?

What do you want to be when you grow up?  I asked one of my daughters this and she almost immediately responded “Account representative for a mid-sized industrial supplier, as long as they have a decent 401K plan”.  I think I need to take her outside more.