Dec 27 2010

Ford House Leg Lamp

Ford House Leg Lamp, originally uploaded by bismanphoto.

Nothing Says “Happy Holidays” like the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window.

Dec 15 2010

More reasons why my wife will not let me write the family Christmas Letter

All hail the mighty Quashire!

It is that time again when we show our gratitude towards your loyal following by bestowing upon you this letter of unending bliss and knowledge.  This knowledge is not to be used in conjunction with any other knowledge obtained from us this holiday season.  One knowledgeable person per family please.  Leave your bodies at the door.

Annabelle has had a very exciting year.  She was notified by the banks that her identity was stolen.  The joke is on them.  Annie is only 7, so let them try to get a decent interest rate on a long-term loan when your biggest asset is your huge Crayola collection.  Annie has taken this opportunity to redefine herself as a Mongolian navel model who also happens to enjoy cot-sleeping and referring to others as “slapplings”.  Her new name is “Quashire Mistress of the Slapplings”.  She is very excited for the upcoming Mongolian cot Olympics.  Annabelle loves to yodel.

Sabrina, who now officially knows better, has taken up brainwashing as a hobby.  She has been working diligently on her pet hamster to believe that he has no family and that he is really a banana slug.  So far she has successfully convinced him the hamster wheel in his cage is his new deity.  “Baby steps”, I tell her.  “You can’t go brainwashing everyone right away.  If you could, it would stop being fun.  Now go to sleep like a good little buffalo.” Sabrina enjoys terrycloth and anything peppermint.

Mark is 16 and based on his APGAR score, is still very healthy.  He can out run all the neighborhood dogs and most of the teenage girls in the surrounding area.  He has formed a dependency on lint-removal rollers.  We have to limit him to only one roller per week or he would delint himself into oblivion.  Not a pretty sight.  It’s how is great uncle went.   Quashire bless his soul.  Mark is also fascinated by small shiny objects and the word “Shiver”.

Jennifer is, as always, the glue that keeps this family together.  Without her, we would all be mere wood shavings of life loosely bound together by the twine that is government and the Ziploc baggy that we know as common decency.  Jen continues her sticky ways by enrolling in night classes on tongue rolling and fundamental glass etching.  Jennifer loves to curl and on the weekends she has off, you will find her in the sauna with Silly Putty and a roll of stamps.  She is truly a renaissance woman!  Jennifer enjoys man-made fibers and sitting on the curb swearing at passing cars. 

I, too, have been busy.  My fungus collection finally went nuclear.  That’s quite an achievement.  My self-publish book, “I can’t stop pinching my belly button” has sold 1 copy, so I am very excited about that.   That’s 100% more than my last book did.  If you remember, I published, “Little Gary’s OCD dentist” didn’t do very well, even in Germany.  Live and learn.  Besides that, I’ve been keeping myself busy by tattooing stray cats and practicing the art of Bonsai with my toenails.  I am required by law to inform you of my current residence.  Everyone needs a hobby, right?

All in all, it was a very good year.  Everyone found their way home despite our every effort to disguise the house and pretend to be Amish.  I’ve really enjoyed  the manual labor and whole milk. 

This concludes the only gift you will receive from us this year.  You are not legally able to transmit, copy, reproduce, and sell this letter without express written consent from Monte Hall, of Let’s Make a deal Fame. 

Merry Christmas from

Brian, Jennifer, Mark, Sabrina and Quashire Mistress of the Slapplings

Dec 14 2010

Why I Love that my Daughters love the iPad.

Technology rarely brings families together the way that my iPad has.  Usually when I get a new piece of technology, I hole up in “Master Control” and when I get it running, I do a little geek arm pump and grin.  No one else is the wiser. 

After getting the iPad and installing games like Pocket Frogs, We Rule, Plants vs. Zombies, and Angry Birds, I find myself on the couch with both my girls giggling.  Both myself and my girls giggling like….well, a nerd and his daughters laughing at pigs being blown up. 

Sure, we’ve had kid-friendly games for many years, but the way it usually happened was, we install the game, I show the girls how to play it, and then the girls take over the keyboard and mouse.  The kids are then solitary and I go back into “Master Control” planning my world domination. 

So, Mr. Jobs, thank you for making a piece of technology that lets me sit on the couch with my daughters and play games they really really want to play and can easily interact with.

Dec 14 2010

Top 10 things to prove that Santa Claus is a decent guy

10.  He hires only elves despite their penchant for stealing.

9.  In the rest of the world, flying reindeer would be exploited for money.

8.  He only eats the cookies you left on the mantle and leaves your stash of Snicker’s Bars alone.

7.  You can give the finger to the guy who just cut you off in traffic and Santa will still give you a present.

6.  Even though they are a delicacy, he’s never eaten an elf.

5.  When he says “Ho Ho Ho” to Mrs. Claus, it’s never in an ironic fashion. 

4.  Any other cat burglar would be tempted to take your TV.  Not Santa. 

3.  His beard is bright white and not tinged with desperation and ridicule.

2.  He knows he’s chubby and he’s OK with it. 

1.  Even though he sees you when you’re sleeping, he never takes pictures.

Dec 7 2010

QR Code Goodness

Ever see these little codes on products?   It seems like I could take up less space by just typing in the actual information instead of having a code and then requiring the audience to have a piece of software to translate this bit of black and white 8-bit goodness.