Sep 14 2010

A Really Bad Romantic Poem.

You have the body of a ’67 Chevy Impala only without the headlights.  I’m not saying you don’t have “Headlights”….that’s not what I’m saying.  I’m saying you are a classic, but you are not a car.  I’m not saying you are fat or need reupholstered.  Maybe you need a little buffing.  OK, enough with the car euphemisms. 

Your eyes are like the ocean, but they aren’t near as salty.  I’m not saying I’d drink your tears if we were stranded on a desert island.  I’m just looking out for my kidneys.  Your eyes are blue, no wait brown.  OK, so your eyes are more like a dirty puddle of water.  Still a body of water, right?  That didn’t sound very good.  Puddles are all messy and full of critters.  I’ve seen on those survival shows on TV about how you aren’t suppose to drink those puddles or you could get dysentery. 

This isn’t going well. 

Have I mentioned how glowing your skin is? Not like radioactive.  Like normal glowing.  In a good way.  Not like you just swallowed a stick of Plutonium and your belly looks like E.T.  It’s really more like the make-up you use was really well-made, right?  It’s just glowy.  That’s a real word, right?  “Glowy”?  I’ll look that up later!

I really like you–specifically you and your eyes and body and skin.  OK?

Sep 14 2010

An Open Letter To Road Construction

Dear Road Construction,

You and I have had our differences throughout the years.  We have had to agree to disagree on several occasions like when you decided to spend your summer on the roads I use every day to get to work.  I understand you are a valuable asset to our community and infrastructure, but come on buddy!  We live in a climate where 5 months out of the year, travelling can be very dangerous. Icy roads, snow packed streets, and white out conditions are just a few of the “gifts” we receive from Mother Nature.  All I ask is one month of unencumbered driving conditions.  That’s it.  One month where I can drive the speed limit. 

Here’s my proposed solution:

From the time the snow melts and ALL the roads dry up, give me 2 weeks before you pay us a visit.  Take that two weeks and take your kids on vacation to wherever the Road Construction family wants to go.  You will then be welcomed back to start your important work.

Then 2 weeks before the snow flies, plan to be finished with all of your work.  Knowing that I will have two weeks of driving the speed limit will make coping with all the orange pylons and awkwardly merging lanes of traffic easier to swallow. 

That is all.

Brian “Bumper to Bumper” Matthews

Sep 10 2010

Top 10 Bad Rapper Names

10.  DJ JD

9.  EverybodyLuvsRhymond

8.  Largey Tiny Nose

7.  Flipper the Potholder

6.  Slushee The White Kid

5.  Christine The Deadly Doppelganger

4.  DJ Leslie

3.  Wrinkle Lee 4 Hed

2.  Mean Dead Money

1.  Carol

Sep 9 2010

Top 8 Scout Badges you should never earn

8.  Zoo Sniper Badge

7.  Make Grandma Puke Badge

6.  Grand Theft Auto Badge

5.  Touring with the Black Crowes Badge

4.  Bleach as a Beverage Badge

3.  Snare your Little Sister Badge

2.  “Is This Infected” Badge

1.  The Lindsay Lohan Badge

Sep 8 2010

Top 10 ways to know if your teacher is totally nuts

Top 10 ways to know if your teacher is totally nuts:

10.  On the first day of school, he tells you to sit in order of IQ highest to lowest.

9.  He eats only apples and gets cranky when you don’t bring him one.

8.  He spent all summer whittling you desks.

7.  The crayons are missing and his lips are multicolored.

6.  Your first assignment is to put a first grader in a sleeper hold.

5.  He’s barefoot and hopped up on dry erase markers.

4.  He insists you call him “Starbright, the Ethereal Falcon”.

3.  He communicates through a series of clicks and whistles.

2.  “The Pledge of Allegiance” sounds more like “Mary Had a Little Lamb”.

1.  He has claimed the lunchroom by urinating in the corners.

Sep 8 2010

Today in History – Blondie

Today in 1930  was the 1st appearance of the comic strip “Blondie”.  To celebrate Dagwood’s better half, here’s today’s playlist:

Suicide Blonde – INXS

Rapture – Blondie

What’s Up – 4 Non Blondes

Supernatural Blonde – Marvelous 3

Platinum Blonde – No Doubt

Just like a Woman – Bob Dylan (From Blonde on Blonde)

Sep 3 2010

Today in History – Today Never Happened!

Today in 1752 —This day never happened nor the next 10 as England adopts the Gregorian Calendar. People riot thinking the government stole 11 days of their lives.

To celebrate this misplacement of days here’s today’s iPod playlist:

Eight days a Week – The Beatles

Tuesday’s Gone – Lynrd Skynrd

One Week – Barenaked Ladies

Where have all the good times gone?  – The Kinks

Been Caught Stealin’ Jane’s Addiction

Sep 2 2010

Today in History – Carry a Big Stick

Today in 1901 VP Theodore Roosevelt advises, “Speak softly & carry a big stick”.  To celebrate this famous quote about big sticks, here’s today’s playlist for your iPod:

Big Balls – AC/DC

Big Me – Foo Fighters

Mr. Big Stuff – Jean Knight

Can’t Beat it with a Stick – Jackyl

My Ding-a-ling – Chuck Berry

Sledgehammer – Peter Gabriel

Monster-  Fred Schneider

Big ten Inch record – Aerosmith

Sep 1 2010

Today in History – Speedometer

Today in 1982, the  maximum speedometer reading was mandated at 85 MPH.  To celebrate speeding into a new era, here’s today’s playlist:

Speed Racer Theme Song

Speed King – Deep Purple

The Distance – Cake

Highway to Hell – AC/DC

Life in the Fast Lane – The Eagles