Apr 30 2010

Knowledge vs. Wisdom

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Apr 29 2010

Today in History…..RUBBER!!!!

Today in history….today in 1813 Rubber was patented, so to celebrate this flexible wonder, I’d like to hear…..

Rubber Ball – Bobby Vee

Red Rubber Ball – Simon and Garfunkel

Nowhere Man – The Beatles….from Rubber Soul

Rubber Biscuit – The Blues Brothers

Bounce – Timbaland

The theme from Star Trek since Spock was Vulcan


Apr 26 2010

You, me, and the DVR…..

This weekend, my beautiful wife and I almost cleared off our DVR.  We were at 95%+ and at risk of losing shows, so we did what any good American would do, we put on comfy clothes, put fresh batteries in the remote, grabbed the Family sized bag of Doritos (nacho cheese) and prepared for the TV to explode in our minds! 

Looking back, I am very proud of our accomplishment.  With only 3 shows left on the DVR, we are almost done watching ALL of the TV ever broadcast, or at least that’s how it feels.

I don’t remember what Jen looks like, but I can hum the theme song to every TV show currently on the air!


Apr 23 2010

Happy Birthday, Red Sneaker (The Blog)

Today, April 23rd, 2010, is the 9th birthday of RedSneaker.net as a blog.  I say “Birthday” because Red Sneaker is more like one of my children than an event to be commemorated by an anniversary.  The blog has gone through many iterations through the years, but I remember the “Ah Ha” moment I had that made me start it.  I was driving home from a conference in Fargo with Henry Rollins on the car stereo.  I was just east of Bismarck and my little brain zeroed in and thought “Hey I should totally start a site that only amuses me.” 

So today I need to decide what is the best way to celebrate?  I think I will only amuse myself today.  Chickenwing.


Apr 20 2010

We’re going in different musical directions? Come on!

I find it interesting anytime I read a news story about a band disbanding due to “Musical differences” or “The members disagreed on the direction the music was going.”  Then the members usually drift off to oblivion.  That’s a better direction!

I would like to see some honesty in the press releases.  Something like:

“We cannot think of a follow up to our one hit”

“The bass player smoked up all our profits”

“The rest of the band wants to put the lead singer under the tracks of an oncoming tank filled with rabid pigs who just ate Mexican food.”

I just want some honesty!

“The guitarist brain is fried and he was the only talented one in the band.”

So press agents for musical acts, consider what I’m saying.  I would hold those band members in much higher regard.  I promise!


Apr 15 2010

Conversation starters……

The next time you find yourself in a stalled conversation, try one of these out:
-If you were a ninja, what would your signature attack be?
-If you were condiment, what would you be and what would you want to be enjoyed upon?
-If you had a robotic hand, would you want one that was super strong or one that was super dexterous?
-If you discovered a new element for the periodic chart, what would you name it?
-If you could trade one of your seven senses for a super power, what would you trade and what would the super power be?
-If you left a trail of any substance behind you, what would that substance be?
-If you were locked in a luxurious bathroom for a month, who would you bring with you?
-If your car were speeding out of control and you were about to hit a space alien that just landed on Earth, what would you yell out the window?
-If you were plummeting to the Earth from an airplane and you had no parachute, what fast food restaurant would you choose to crash into?
-If you could go back in time and change anything in your life, but each time you went back in time you would lose 5 years of your life, how many times would you go back?
-If you had to live with a group of wild animals for the rest of your life, what kind of animal would it be?
-If you were a pirate and had the choice of having a hook for a hand or a peg leg, which would you chose?


Apr 14 2010

This Day In History – Sputnik 2

It’s a sad sad day….today back in 1958 Sputnik 2 (with dog Laika) burned up in the atmosphere.  In memory of Laika, I would like to request:

Who Let the Dogs Out – Baha Men

Black Dog – Led Zep

Space Oddity – David Bowie

Blaze of Glory – Bon Jovi


Apr 13 2010

Top ten most dangerous games

10. Laser Scrabble
9. Truth or Snare
8. Rock, paper, angry syphilitic tiger
7. Bungee Scotch (like Hop Scotch, only with chalk on a sidewalk)
6. Real-life Battleship played with canoes and shotguns.
5. Extreme Checkers
4. Limbo using a drunken elephant covered in razor wire
3. Fire Boggle
2. Nahtzee!
1. Pin the tail on the cobra


Apr 12 2010

Goals!

Everyone needs goals. Here’s a few of mine:
– To not be able to be captured on film.
– To discover a new element which I will call “Spazium”.
– To ensure a little dab’ll do ya.
– To start a crystal shop called “Weapons of Glass Distractions”.
– To do more “Sauntering” and less “Gallivanting”.
– To stop giving intentionally bad directions to people who ask for them.
– To spend some quality time improving my Ed Asner impression.
– To stop referring to all dogs as “Good Doggy” unless they have already proven their innate goodness.


Apr 9 2010

Top 7 ways to know that he is NOT Mr. Right

7.  His Kool-aid-stained shirt reads, “I likes it on top”

6.  His Ford Pinto is being towed because he failed to make his $15 loan payment and he blames this all on his mother.

5.  You find him in your house, the toilet is clogged and the cat is pregnant.

4.  When you hold hands, he gets queasy because he’s never dated a woman who had all her fingers.

3.  While talking on the phone, he makes comments on how nice you look today and how your windows need cleaning.

2.  He tells you that you are perfect, but keeps hinting on a plastic surgery to give you “Mr. Spock” ears.

1.  He keeps getting calls from his ex-girlfriend, Lindsay Lohan.


Apr 9 2010

Top 10 reasons why I would be a horrible General in the Army.

10. Troops will find it difficult to execute my “Chutes and Ladders” plan.
9. Khaki washes me out.
8. Loud noises make a little pee come out.
7. Can’t get that song, “War, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing! Say it again” song out of my head.
6. Team of advisors include a policeman, a construction worker, and an Indian chief.
5. Insist that Bobcat Goldthwait be a part of the strategy sessions.
4. Can’t understand why the soldiers won’t be issued light sabers.
3. Will try to liberate Wyoming
2. During inspirational speech, mention “going to your happy place” over and over.
1. Thought the policy was “Don’t ass don’t tell.”


Apr 8 2010

Red Sneaker Primer

So, you’ve decided to read the Red Sneaker Blog. Here’s a few things you need to know first.
1. The original blog was started April 9th 2003 on a whim, and everything after that has been a whim as well.
2. I have no purpose for the blog besides amuse myself. Based on the number of entries and years committed, I must get bored easily.
3. I live in Mandan, ND. I am not a professional writer, comedian, jeweler, or rubber suit model.
4. One of my favorite stories I wrote on the blog was about how I accidentally dropped the cap to my aftershave into the toilet and then how I retrieved it.
5. I’m fairly certain there is something wrong with me.
6. Did I mention I wear red sneakers?
7. I have put out three books to date. To those of you who have bought the books, I am fairly certain there is something wrong with you as well.
8. I have a very understanding wife.
9. I am the father to three rather quirky children. Nothing that a little Benedryll won’t fix.
10. I am a photo geek. If my high school had had an AV club, not only would I be the president, but I would have arranged for the former president to have had some “accidents” with the slide projector to insure my quick succession to the throne.

There, you now know everything you need to know to properly enjoy the blog. Go forth and absorb the written word…..and clean up after yourself when you are done.


Apr 6 2010

iPad review

With a special thanks to http://twitter.com/dcmacnut , I got my swarthy little hands on an iPad today.  My spidey-senses were tingling.  The device, about the size of a couple magazines stacked together, glowed with hot internet goodness no matter what angle you held the iPad at.  Swishing and swiping on the glossy glass screen accessing e-mail, Twitter, and yes, even this blog, made for a nerdtastic time.  My favorite display so far has been the use of an application called the Magic Sketch, which turned the glorious iPad into an etch-a-sketch complete with twisty knobs and “Shake-to-erase” function.  This device is far more than a simple toy, it’s a marvelously complex toy disguised as a computer.  However, I feel the need to explain that these are not for everyone.  In fact, I would suggest NO ONE buy one.  Just leave them alone so they may become available for some nerd to possess and love.


Apr 1 2010

AHOY! Jury Duty!

The other day, My beautiful wife and I receive two separate letters from the Clerk of Court.  Turns out we both are up for Jury Duty. 

Unlike most folks, I LOVE jury duty.

I was on a jury years ago, and I thoroughly enjoyed it…up until the parties settled during a recess.  Drat those parties settling their disagreement!  It’s unfair!    I really wanted to sit down with the jury and deliberate.  I would be the guy that would stir the pot.

“Sure the guy gave the defendant a 1976 Pinto as a gift, but it’s a Pinto.  Couldn’t that be contrived as attempted murder?”  The longer we are there, the more doughnuts we can eat!  That’s right….doughnuts were in the deliberation room.  They don’t say that in the letter from the Clerk of Courts.  I think they might get a happier juror if they knew it.  It’s like a game show—“Who Wants a Doughnut?”  Answer a few questions and if the lawyers agree, you win a chance at the doughnuts.  Dibs on the glazed!