Dec 30 2009

Apples to Apples

Last night the family gathered around the dining room table to play a game called Apple to Apples.  Here’s how it’s played…Every player has some cards but one person.  That person is the judge.  They display a card with a word on it.  For Example “Pain”.  Then the players look through their cards to pick a word card that may relate to pain.  For Example they may choose “My Little Sister”,  “Richard Nixon”, and “Amputation”.  Then the judge decides which card best suites the initial card “Pain”.  Whoever wins takes the card and then becomes the judge for the next round.

The reason I like this game so much now is because it is totally arbitrary.  For instance:

Seed Card “Funny”, the winning card could be “Mad Cow Disease”, “Ginko”, or “Smelling salts”  If I were the judge….Mad Cow disease would win hands down.

I wish more things in life worked this way as well.

Let’s say you take your car into get an oil change and the mechanic comes out and says,”You need to get your transmission flushed”.  Another mechanic comes over and says, “Your transmission is leaking” and the third comes out and says, “Bhutros Bhutros Ghalli”.  Life would just be so much more fun.

Dec 29 2009


Today I’ve decided to live by asking myself, “What Would A Pirate Do?”.
 So far, I’ve plundered a Burger King, thought I saw a mermaid, been lured into a near wreck by sirens and shivered my timbers more than I have ever shivered my timbers in my life.
I ditched my usual Antivirus and installed Avast!
I am now wearing an eye patch for better swordsmanship in the dark, and I hope to find a parrot that will call my shoulder a home.
A pirate can hope, can’t he?

Dec 28 2009

Top 7 New Diets to AVOID in 2010.

7.  The Aspartame and Hotdog diet

6.  The Yellow #5 Diet – only eat foods with Yellow #5 in it – not to be confused with the Red #4 Diet fad from last year.

5.  The Beef and Yogurt Smoothie Diet

4.  The Mr. Pibb + Red Vines = Crazy Delicious Diet

3.  The Velveeta melted over Oreos Diet

2.  The Bear Grylls Diet—you can eat anything you kill with a stick.

1.  The Dirty Hurricane Diet-which consists of eating Taco Bell and Ex-Lax every day

Dec 25 2009

Facts about Santa

– According to tradition, Santa’s reindeer will eat 360 different plants, but not carrots.

– In June 1995, a New Zealand Santa Claus was sentenced to six months detention for breaking the security glass at a gas station the previous Christmas, when they would not give him free ice cream.

– Also in 1995, Santa was awarded his own personal postal code by the Canadian post office. That Postal code is H0H 0H0.

– In 2001, a female Santa Claus sued a store for $100,000 because she was fired for having breasts. Merry Christmas!

Dec 24 2009

Did you know?

The Puritans forbade the singing of Christmas Carols, judging them to be out of keeping with the true spirit of Christmas.
There really is nothing less Christmasy than singing Jingle Bells or Deck the Halls. The only thing less Christmas-like would be opening presents and decorating pine trees.

Dec 24 2009

Photo of the day


“I asked for a car, I got a computer. How’s that for being born under a bad sign?”

Dec 23 2009

Photo of the Day


Be quiet and don’t wake the kitten asleep on the Barbie Dream Home bed.

Dec 22 2009


Assumption Abbey in Ava, Missouri, in the Ozark Mountains, is the only Trappist monastery in the world that sells fruitcakes on the internet. 

In 1992, poll results asked what was the most appropriate use of fruitcake?  38% said “a gift for someone else”; 13% said “a good doorstop”; and 4% said “Landfill”.

Well, at least 4% got it right.

Dec 18 2009

Photo of the Day


Dec 18 2009

7 little known Smurfs

Everyone knows of Papa Smurf, Brainy Smurf, and Jokey Smurf, but what many people didn’t know the hundreds of others, so here’s:

7 little known Smurfs

7.  Smurf Vigoda

6.  Crotchrocket Smurf

5.  Sweaty Smurf

4.  Gambler Smurf (He knows when to hold ‘em and when to Smurf ‘em)

3.  Hairy Smurf

2.  Orange Smurf (Who was excommunicated and later married a Snork)

1.  Crappy Smurf

Dec 17 2009

Photo of the Day – Whatever it was, it gave athlete’s foot to a blue whale.


Dec 17 2009

Rules for teens with texting addiction.

Having a high schooler living in our house and arming that high schooler with a cell phone has led me to come up with some basic rules.

  1. Just because we can’t see your phone doesn’t mean we don’t know it’s there. Staring at your hand under the table is a dead give away
  2. If I’m talking to you,please refrain from checking your phone or, even worse, texting while I am talking.
  3. If I call you, answer the phone. 
  4. Don’t assume I know what the cryptic texting language means, so spell out everything.
  5. Don’t assume I DON’T know what the cryptic texting means.  POS—FML
  6. Don’t let your friends mess with your phone.  I will hold you responsible for any activities originating from your phone.
  7. I may check the photos taken on your phone, so unless you want me to see it, don’t take pictures of it.  Capiche?
  8. No texting at the dinner table.
  9. Don’t say “LOL” when you talk to me.  Just laugh.  Call me old fashioned.

Dec 16 2009

Top 7 signs the elves are being overworked

It is getting close to Christmas, so for Santa’s sake, here are—
Top 7 signs the elves are being overworked.
7.  Elficide rate jumps to 15%.
6.  Jack-in-the boxes filled with poo.
5.  You catch three elves snorting the silver powder from an Etch-a-Sketch.
4.  There are rumblings of some elves joining the Keebler Union.
3.  All the rosy cheeks are tarnished with tears from a dead end job.
2.  Attendance at the North Pole “Hot Chocolate Anonymous” meetings spike.
1.  Elves start taking medication to keep their pointy ears from going flaccid.

Dec 16 2009

Photo of the Day – Never stop trying


Dec 15 2009

Guerrilla Handbell Strikeforce – flash mob

This summer while Jen and I were in New York, we were able to see two different flash mobs and they were harmless and very entertaining.  With Christmas around the corner (T-minus 7 days until you can start shopping, guys), I thought this was perfect.  A flash mob around a Salvation Army bell ringer…but the flash mob is a real handbell choir.

Dec 15 2009

Dear Red Sneaker – Liar Liar Pants on Fire

Dear Red Sneaker:

Q:  Can someone PLEASE explain the connection between telling a lie and having your pants catch fire?


A: People who lie, are uncomfortable enough to fidget.  This added friction added to the subtle additional sweat is enough to cause the water molecules to excite, much like a microwave.  The friction of the molecules can be enough to generate a substantial amount of heat.  This heat coupled with a diet of burritos (liars commonly eat Mexican food) could fuel a ball of flames if ignition is reached. 

This phenomenon was once explained as being visited by Clemintine, the Lying Imp who would shoot a flaming arrow onto your bottom.  In the 1600s, it was common for villages to see one death by a flatulent liar every year, which furthered the myth of Clementine, the Lying Imp.  Thankfully, the modern garment manufacturers have taken into account the combustible nature of fabricating stories and have made flame retardant pant seats mandatory for all pants sold.  So lie all you want!  Clementine can’t hurt you!