Last night the family gathe­red around the dining room table to play a game called Apple to Apples.  Here’s how it’s played…Every pla­yer has some cards but one per­son.  That per­son is the judge.  They dis­play a card with a word on it.  For Exam­ple “Pain”.  Then the pla­yers look through their cards to pick a word card that may relate to pain.  For Exam­ple they may choose “My Little Sis­ter”,  “Richard Nixon”, and “Ampu­ta­tion”.  Then the judge deci­des which card best sui­tes the ini­tial card “Pain”.  Whoe­ver wins takes the card and then beco­mes the judge for the next round.

The rea­son I like this game so much now is because it is totally arbi­trary.  For instance:

Seed Card “Funny”, the win­ning card could be “Mad Cow Disease”, “Ginko”, or “Sme­lling salts”  If I were the judge….Mad Cow disease would win hands down.

I wish more things in life wor­ked this way as well.

Let’s say you take your car into get an oil change and the mecha­nic comes out and says,”You need to get your trans­mis­sion flushed”.  Another mecha­nic comes over and says, “Your trans­mis­sion is lea­king” and the third comes out and says, “Bhu­tros Bhu­tros Gha­lli”.  Life would just be so much more fun.

2 peo­ple like this post.

Unlike

Today I’ve deci­ded to live by asking myself, “What Would A Pirate Do?”.
 So far, I’ve plun­de­red a Bur­ger King, thought I saw a mer­maid, been lured into a near wreck by sirens and shi­ve­red my tim­bers more than I have ever shi­ve­red my tim­bers in my life.
I ditched my usual Anti­vi­rus and ins­ta­lled Avast!
I am now wea­ring an eye patch for bet­ter swords­manship in the dark, and I hope to find a parrot that will call my shoul­der a home.
A pirate can hope, can’t he?
YAAAAAARRRRRGH!

1 per­son likes this post.

Unlike

7.  The Aspar­tame and Hot­dog diet

6.  The Yellow #5 Diet – only eat foods with Yellow #5 in it – not to be con­fu­sed with the Red #4 Diet fad from last year.

5.  The Beef and Yogurt Smoothie Diet

4.  The Mr. Pibb + Red Vines = Crazy Deli­cious Diet

3.  The Vel­veeta mel­ted over Oreos Diet

2.  The Bear Grylls Diet—you can eat anything you kill with a stick.

1.  The Dirty Hurri­cane Diet-which con­sists of eating Taco Bell and Ex-Lax every day

Like

Unlike

- Accor­ding to tra­di­tion, Santa’s rein­deer will eat 360 dif­fe­rent plants, but not carrots.

- In June 1995, a New Zea­land Santa Claus was sen­ten­ced to six months deten­tion for brea­king the secu­rity glass at a gas sta­tion the pre­vious Christ­mas, when they would not give him free ice cream.

- Also in 1995, Santa was awar­ded his own per­so­nal pos­tal code by the Cana­dian post office. That Pos­tal code is H0H 0H0.

- In 2001, a female Santa Claus sued a store for $100,000 because she was fired for having breasts. Merry Christmas!

2 peo­ple like this post.

Unlike

The Puri­tans for­bade the sin­ging of Christ­mas Carols, jud­ging them to be out of kee­ping with the true spi­rit of Christ­mas.
There really is nothing less Christ­masy than sin­ging Jin­gle Bells or Deck the Halls. The only thing less Christmas-like would be ope­ning pre­sents and deco­ra­ting pine trees.

Like

Unlike

“I asked for a car, I got a com­pu­ter. How’s that for being born under a bad sign?”

2 peo­ple like this post.

Unlike

Be quiet and don’t wake the kit­ten asleep on the Bar­bie Dream Home bed.

Like

Unlike

Assump­tion Abbey in Ava, Mis­souri, in the Ozark Moun­tains, is the only Trap­pist monas­tery in the world that sells fruit­ca­kes on the internet. 

In 1992, poll results asked what was the most appro­priate use of fruit­cake?  38% said “a gift for someone else”; 13% said “a good doors­top”; and 4% said “Landfill”.

Well, at least 4% got it right.

1 per­son likes this post.

Unlike

Ever­yone knows of Papa Smurf, Brainy Smurf, and Jokey Smurf, but what many peo­ple didn’t know the hun­dreds of others, so here’s:

7 little known Smurfs

7.  Smurf Vigoda

6.  Crotch­roc­ket Smurf

5.  Sweaty Smurf

4.  Gam­bler Smurf (He knows when to hold ‘em and when to Smurf ‘em)

3.  Hairy Smurf

2.  Orange Smurf (Who was excom­mu­ni­ca­ted and later married a Snork)

1.  Crappy Smurf

Like

Unlike

Having a high schoo­ler living in our house and arming that high schoo­ler with a cell phone has led me to come up with some basic rules.

1. Just because we can’t see your phone doesn’t mean we don’t know it’s there. Sta­ring at your hand under the table is a dead give away
2. If I’m tal­king to you,please refrain from chec­king your phone or, even worse, tex­ting while I am talking.
3. If I call you, ans­wer the phone. 
4. Don’t assume I know what the cryp­tic tex­ting lan­guage means, so spell out everything.
5. Don’t assume I DON’T know what the cryp­tic tex­ting means.  POS—FML
6. Don’t let your friends mess with your phone.  I will hold you res­pon­si­ble for any acti­vi­ties ori­gi­na­ting from your phone.
7. I may check the pho­tos taken on your phone, so unless you want me to see it, don’t take pic­tu­res of it.  Capiche?
8. No tex­ting at the din­ner table.
9. Don’t say “LOL” when you talk to me.  Just laugh.  Call me old fashioned.

1 per­son likes this post.

Unlike

It is get­ting close to Christ­mas, so for Santa’s sake, here are—
Top 7 signs the elves are being over­wor­ked.
7.  Elfi­cide rate jumps to 15%.
6.  Jack-in-the boxes filled with poo.
5.  You catch three elves snor­ting the sil­ver pow­der from an Etch-a-Sketch.
4.  There are rum­blings of some elves joi­ning the Kee­bler Union.
3.  All the rosy cheeks are tar­nished with tears from a dead end job.
2.  Atten­dance at the North Pole “Hot Cho­co­late Anony­mous” mee­tings spike.
1.  Elves start taking medi­ca­tion to keep their pointy ears from going flaccid.

2 peo­ple like this post.

Unlike

http://improveverywhere.com/2009/12/14/guerrilla-handbell-strikeforce/

This sum­mer while Jen and I were in New York, we were able to see two dif­fe­rent flash mobs and they were harm­less and very enter­tai­ning.  With Christ­mas around the cor­ner (T-minus 7 days until you can start shop­ping, guys), I thought this was per­fect.  A flash mob around a Sal­va­tion Army bell ringer…but the flash mob is a real hand­bell choir.

Like

Unlike

Dear Red Sneaker:

Q:  Can someone PLEASE explain the con­nec­tion bet­ween telling a lie and having your pants catch fire?

A: Peo­ple who lie, are uncom­for­ta­ble enough to fid­get.  This added fric­tion added to the subtle addi­tio­nal sweat is enough to cause the water mole­cu­les to excite, much like a mic­ro­wave.  The fric­tion of the mole­cu­les can be enough to gene­rate a subs­tan­tial amount of heat.  This heat cou­pled with a diet of burri­tos (liars com­monly eat Mexi­can food) could fuel a ball of fla­mes if igni­tion is reached. 

This phe­no­me­non was once explai­ned as being visi­ted by Cle­min­tine, the Lying Imp who would shoot a fla­ming arrow onto your bot­tom.  In the 1600s, it was com­mon for villa­ges to see one death by a fla­tu­lent liar every year, which furthe­red the myth of Cle­men­tine, the Lying Imp.  Thank­fully, the modern gar­ment manu­fac­tu­rers have taken into account the com­bus­ti­ble nature of fabri­ca­ting sto­ries and have made flame retar­dant pant seats man­da­tory for all pants sold.  So lie all you want!  Cle­men­tine can’t hurt you!

1 per­son likes this post.

Unlike