Because they had no pro­per rub­bish dis­po­sal sys­tem, the streets of ancient Meso­po­ta­mia became lite­rally knee-deep in rub­bish. Send a bas­ket of mini muf­fins, and some hand sani­ti­zer to your gar­bage dis­po­sal experts.

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Stab­bed in the but­tocks over car park space

“A man was kni­fed in the but­tocks follo­wing a fight over a car park space in Sydney’s west last night.
Police said the 26-year-old got into an argu­ment with a woman over a car park at a Parra­matta shop­ping cen­tre about 8pm.
The man took the park and went inside to do his shop­ping, while the woman, still outside, called two friends on her mobile phone.
Police allege two men soon arri­ved at the shop­ping cen­tre and went inside to find the 26-year-old, cha­llen­ging him in the food court. (ED: perhaps for a burrito duel)
Police said the two men then assaul­ted the 26-year-old, stab­bing him in the but­tocks and bashing him.
The two men fled the shop­ping cen­tre on foot, while the 26-year-old was trea­ted by para­me­dics. He was taken to West­mead Hos­pi­tal and was in a sta­ble con­di­tion today. “

This follows the published assaults based on various cri­te­ria.
Sto­len par­king space: Stab­bing in the buttocks.

Cut off on a non-busy street: Obs­cene ges­ture follo­wed by refe­rring to their mother in an unflat­te­ring manner.

Someone not clea­ning up after their dog left a fecal mess in your yard: Sign them up to receive subsc­rip­tions to maga­zi­nes like “Asian Jugz” , “Man-Candy Monthly” and “The Her­maph­ro­dite Sup­port Group Magazine”.

Adul­tery by a man: Cut­ting off of the man’s pri­vate area, pre­fe­rably with a kitchen uten­sil with serra­ted edges and pla­cing the mem­ber in a Zip-Lock bag (to help it not spoil)

Public Drun­ken­ness: Wait until the per­son has pas­sed out on the side­walk outside the drin­king esta­blish­ment, then dis­robe them and glue branches and twigs to their body. Leave a sign, “Beware of the TwigMan!”

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All major civi­li­za­tions have had cyc­li­cal rising to power follo­wed by a dec­line. Typi­cally the dec­line can be tra­ced back to a sin­gle item or deci­sion. Some were due to horri­fic pla­gues, others due to major chan­ges in reli­gion. While still others were attac­ked and pilla­ged by Huns.
As a rec­rea­tio­nal his­to­rian, I have been kee­ping track of pat­terns and trends in society in hopes of dis­co­ve­ring what will be the Achi­lles’ Heel of Modern society as we know it.
My research as taken vast amounts of time. During this time, I have recor­ded what I believe to be a shift in the growth of society. A shift that boils down to one sin­gle item, exactly as in the past.
I believe that modern civi­li­za­tion will meet its demise due solely in part to the Jell-O cup. See­mingly inno­cuous, the Jell-o cup is the sin­gle item that made citi­zens of the world aware that gelatin-based foods could be pac­ka­ged in single-serving por­tions. These deli­cious por­tions could come in any variety of fla­vors, from the scrump­tious Black Cherry to the delec­ta­ble Lime. A great dis­guise for the horror and des­pair to come.
Alas, the Jell-o com­pany has not retur­ned my nume­rous phone calls and let­ters. Obviously, they are just a pawn in the game. A game being pla­yed by power­ful pla­yers, using multi-colored die on a board enc­rus­ted with huma­nity. Do no pass go. Do not collect $200.
The Jell-o cup, in its sim­pli­city, mocks moder­nity in it’s sim­ple coni­cal ves­sel with a sim­ple foil zenith. JELL-O!
Fear it. Loathe it. Do not suc­cumb to the Jell-o!
Nos­tra­da­mus pre­dic­ted such a thing.
“One who the infer­nal gods of Han­ni­bal
The world put into trou­ble by three brothers
Infant found fire, water pas­sing through the sieve
To the bloody one the num­bers are reported”

I think that says it pretty clearly that it is time to spread the word. Jell-o cups be dam­ned, you deli­cious jig­gley vixen!

Brian “Oracle” Matthews

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“It doesn’t make a dif­fe­rence what tem­pe­ra­ture a room is, it’s always room tem­pe­ra­ture. “
–Ste­ven Wright

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