Oct 30 2012

War of the Worlds!

Listening to: Coconut – Harry Nilsson

Today in 1938 Orson Welles panicked a nation with the broadcast of “War of the Worlds”.  To celebrate the fictious invasion by aliens, I’d like to hear:

Smooth Criminal – Alien Ant Farm

War – Edwin Starr (no relation to Ringo)

The Final Countdown – Europe

Across the Universe – the Beatles

Space Oddity – David Bowie

Men in Black – Will Smith

Everything was so much simpler back then.  If you wanted to fake an alien invasion now, it would require Industrial Light and magic, Pixar, and coordinating feeds on the internet including Twitter and Facebook posts and some how getting Red Bull to sponsor it.  Even then, we’d want  to see Jeff Probst walk into their lasers and get burned up just to prove it’s true.  You have been warned, Jeff Probst. 

If I were an alien invading Earth, I wouldn’t invade directly, instead, I would create a series of boy bands that I would send down to get established, get huge fan bases, and then announce “One Direction New Kid Sync Menudo palooza” where all the boy bands would perform for 72 straight hours, at the end of which all the attendees would be barely alive from screaming and dehydration.  Then it would be pretty simple to take over

Oct 29 2012

Ball Point pen

Listening to: Henry Rollins – Provoked

Today in 1945 the 1st ball point pen goes on sale, 57 years after it was patented.  To celebrate, I’d like to hear:

I Love you Period – Dan Baird

Paperback Writer – The Beatles

Everyday I Write the Book – Elvis Costello

The Gypsy – The Inkspots

My question is why did it take so long between when it was patented to when it was made available for sale?  Upon further research (quick search on Wikipedia), I found my answer.  I won’t go into verbose detail here, but what it stems from is the contraction of siphalis by key patent holders thus causing the ball point pen to become a magic wand used for castrating sheep.  I could be wrongly interpreting this since I kinda skimmed the article and I have a penchance to make stuff up.

Jul 20 2012

Rollin’ with no homies

My wife and I are driving on the Bismarck Expressway the other evening.  Our windows are rolled down to let in some air, and we pull up to a late 1980’s psuedo station wagon with it’s windows rolled down and a teenager at the wheel.  Through his open windows blares “You sexy Thing” by the 1970s Brit pop band Hot Chocolate. 

At first I thought my ear had finally given up on a lifetime of loud music and decided to trick me into thinking this lad was listening to a hit from 1975.  I expected some mind-numbing, bass-thumping generic hip hop beat or perhaps a subtle melodic tune by a group with a name like “Mortuary” or “Rigor Mortis”.  Nope.  It was, in fact, “You Sexy thing”.  The kiddo was not making any effort to make it seem ironic or goofy.  He honestly thought he was the coolest guy in the left turn lane listening to the only cassette tape he found in the car after he purchased it from PCP burnout for $120 and a can of Dr. Pepper. 

Dear misguided youth, I employ you to not continue on that mix tape crackling through the tattered Realistic speakers, because it is NOT cool.  You are NOT appearing like the Super bad Godfather of soul that you envision in your Xbox-rittled noggin.  Trust me.  Turn it down, or better, turn it off.  There is still time, because once that cassette tape rolls to “Play the Funky Music White Boy” by Wild Cherry, the damage will be done and no one wants that. 

Save yourself.

Jul 16 2012

My Perfect Lunch – The Recipe

Two Slices of the whitest, fluffiest bread you can find.  No “Whole Wheat”. 

Half a stick of real butter WITH SALT.  Melt the butter in the microwave for about 30 seconds. 

Spoon the liquidy butter onto the sponge-like bread evenly until most of the half-stick of butter is saturating the bread.  Bring a skillet up to about 300 degrees.

Place one slice of bnuttery bread into the skillet, place a slice of Velvetta onto the bread, followed by a slice of heavily processes “Swiss” cheese followed by another slice of Velvetta.  Top it off with another slice of butter-soaked bread.  Cover the skillet and brown the bread, flip and brown the other side.  Serve on a styrofoam plate with Cheesy Pringles or Nacho Cheese Doritos.  Wash it all down with a Mexican Coca Cola made with real sugar in a glass bottle. 


You are welcome!

Jul 14 2012


Fingers and toes are more important than elbows and knees.

Jul 13 2012

The Menards Time Vortex

I love Menards.  I love to buy home improvement items and then go home and improvement my home.  Unfortunately, anytime there is a special order involved, I fall into a black hole of time that in inexplicable by modern science.  Akin to the search for the Higgs boson, I search for a way to pick up a special order in less than 2 hours.  It seems to elude me.  Here’s the events from last night. 

Mark (our hairy and devilishly handsome son) comes with me to pick up 2 special order doors.  We had received an e-mail alert a few days before that they were ready to pick up, so foolishly, I assumed they were actually ready to pick up. 

We drive into the abyss of time (a.k.a. the lumber yard) at Menards and find a nice gentleman.  I hand him my crisp sheet of my soul only to have it returned crumpled, slightly soiled and dampened with the comment,”Sorry, I can’t find it.  You are going to have to go inside and talk to the Millwork Desk. 

I shutter momentarily as a cold chill runs up my spine.  This is all too familiar.  The Chinking incident of 2011, the countertop fiasco of 2010 and 1999.  The vanity disaster of 2000.  They all rush to mind and I recall losing half days to the vortex of the Menards Lumber yard. 

Unfortunately, I did exactly as he said and went and talked to someone at the Millwork desk.  Again—nice genteman—I handed my now handled soul stapled to a receipt to him and he disappears for what could be called an “Era”.  As I recall from 7th grade science, an Era is a significant time period. 

So in the time, I will now refer to as the “Millwork era” of my life, Mark and I stood and consumed oxygen and listened to the hum of the high preassure sodium vapor lights over our heads.  I could be mistaken, but I’m fairly certain I may have worn a groove in the industrial linoleum where I paced. 

The nice gentleman returned with my receipt and the words, “I can’t find them”.  So, I would like to take this opportunity for scientists all over the world to come witness the true magic that is “Menard’s Vortex of Time and Space Lumber Yard”.  Not only did I lose 3 hours of my life, but they also lost the doors I was there to pick up.  I am in awe of the growing power of this trancient being.  I imagine this must be what the ancient Egyptians felt like upon the completion of the Great Pyramid.

Jul 13 2012

A list of people I could do without.

•A waiter with his fly open, serving you fries and gravy…..and you haven’t ordered yet
•Tattoo artists with a nasty twitch
•Nurses with a grudge against bed-ridden people
•Dentists into leather
•80-year old nude polka dancers
•Grocery check-out clerks who smell of B.O. and disappointment
•Pudding-makers with eczema
•Funeral Directors with Narcolepsy
•Singers who sound like the advanced stages of emphysema
•People who love porcelain dolls and show off their collections of hundreds of them.
•People with silent letters in their name who get annoyed when you pronounce all the letters. You know who you are, Thom!
•Hat salespeople reading directions on lice shampoo
•Ice Cream scoopers reading directions on lice shampoo
•Assassins with lazy eyes

Jul 12 2012

What do you want to be when you grow up?

What do you want to be when you grow up?  I asked one of my daughters this and she almost immediately responded “Account representative for a mid-sized industrial supplier, as long as they have a decent 401K plan”.  I think I need to take her outside more.

Aug 16 2011

Life Coach

I am starting up a Life Coaching Practice where I coach my clients through e-mail and use the Tough Love methodology.  In other words, when the person comes to me asking why their life is so horrible, my response will be something like, “Well, moron, it’s probably because you make really bad decisions like paying me $500 for an hour to tell you the obvious!  Just wake up.  If you don’t, I can slap you so hard, your teeth will wiggle.  Our time is up.  That will be $500.

Mar 22 2011

Today in Hitstory – Two should be Enough

Today in 1882, the Edmunds Act was adopted by US to suppress polygamy in the territories.  To celebrate this suppression, I’d like to hear:

Three Times a Lady – The Commodores

The Theme to Eight is Enough

Three is a Magic Number – Blind Melon

Two out of Three Ain’t Bad – Meatloaf

7 – Prince and the New Power Generation

One is the Loneliest Number – Three Dog Night

Mar 21 2011

Today in Hitstory – The End is Near (in 1843)

Today in 1843 Preacher William Miller of Massachusetts predicted the world will end today.  To celebrate this tiny miscalculation, I’d like to hear:

It ‘s the End of the Word as we know it, and I feel fine – R.E.M.

The End – The Doors

Any song by Apolocolyptica

1999 by Prince

Wave of Mutilation – The Pixies

Armageddonit- Def Leppard

Mar 18 2011

Today in Hitstory – I Gotta Go Really Bad!

Today in 1965 the Rolling Stones were fined £5 each for public urination.  To commemorate this event, I’d like to hear:

Here We Go Again- OK GO

Islands in the Stream – Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers

We’re Going Wrong – Cream

Piss on the Wall – J. Geils Band

The Wall – Pink Floyd

Mar 17 2011

Today in Hitstory – Rubberbands!

Today in 1845 the Rubber band was patented by Stephen Perry of London.  To celebrate this stretch in technology, I’d like to hear:

Rubberband Man – The Spinners

Rubber Biscuit – The Blues Brothers

Red Rubber Ball – The Seekers

Norwegian Wood – The Beatles (From Rubber Soul)

Convoy – C.W.McCall (i.e. Rubber Duck)

Rubber Duckie – Ernie and Bert

Mar 14 2011

Today in Hitstory- 10!

Today in 1950 FBI’s “10 Most Wanted Fugitives” program begins.  To celebrate this and other “Tens”, I’d like to hear:

Big Ten Inch Record – Aerosmith

Ten years Gone – Led Zeppelin

Wonder Boy – TENacious D

I’ll Stand By You – The PreTENders

Black – Pearl Jam (from the Album “Ten”)

Mar 7 2011

Today in Hitstory – I call the Top Hat!!!

Today in 1933 the Game of “Monopoly” was invented.  To celebrate going to jail, going directly to jail, I’d like to hear:

For the Love of Money – Bulletboys

Take the Money and Run – Steve Miller Band

Eat the Rich – Aerosmith

If I had a Million Dollars – Barenaked ladies

Jailhouse Rock – Elvis Presley

Folsom Prision Blues – Johnny Cash

Jailbreak – AC/DC

Games People Play – Alan Parsons Project

Mar 4 2011

Today in Hitstory – Double Shot!

I had a hard time picking today, so I’ll go with TWO!

  1.  Today in 1995 a Blind teenage boy received a ‘Bionic Eye’ at a Washington Hospital.  To celebrate this breakthrough, I’d like to hear:

Naked Eye – Luscious Jackson

Every Move You Make – The Police

Save Tonight – Eagle Eye Cherry

In Your Eyes – Peter Gabriel

These Eyes – The Guess Who

Anything by Third Eye Blind

  1.  Today in 1966 John Lennon said “We (Beatles) are more popular than Jesus.  To celebrate, I’d like to hear:

Jesus Built my Hotrod – Ministry

Personal Jesus – Depeche Mode

Jesus Christ Pose – Soundgarden

Jesus is just alright – The Doobie Brothers

Wooden Jesus – Temple of the Dog

Jesus Doesn’t want me for a Sunbeam – Nirvana

Right Here Right Now – Jesus Jones

God – John Lennon